1. One sardar did not knew how to write a 11, because he did not know where to put the first 1 .
2. Mrs Kartar Singh had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ' The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater .
3. Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working , Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : ' How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it .'
4. 'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. 'I am not your son.' 'I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.
5. Santa Singh got his promotion and become an officer in Punjab Government. To keep up with his status, he decided to speak only in English to all his subordinates. One morning, his peon peeped through the door to see if his boss was busy. Santa Singh noticed him and shouted, 'Why are you outstanding! Please income.'
6. The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh, 'but if I don't find it, I wont to know where to get off.'
7. Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
8. An angry SM confronts the Sardar who says, "Saab main theekh hee chala rahatha jab main ne dekha ke ek aadmi tracks par khada hai". But the SM retorts "To toone ek aadmi ke liye itnee logon ki jaane mushkil main daali, abe saale le jaana tha uske upar say". "Saab main bhi yehi socha lekin jab train nazdeek aayi to voh saala bhagnay laga", says the Sardarji.
9. One foggy evening two Sardarjis went out walking. One of the Sardarji was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don't you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?" His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can't do that because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."
10. Q : How can you recognize an surd in a submarine?
A : He is the one with the parachute on his back.
11. A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. Our sardar says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!"
12. Santa Singh is the aggressive participant on Kaun Banega..
Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal: Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D: Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!
13. Sardar Banta Singhs boss was always irritated by him, Coz Banta Singh was a major liar. Banta Singh used to claim that he knew Bill Clinton, Atal Bihari Vajaypee, The Pope etc... SO one day his boss decided to test him. He asked Banta Singh to take him to Vajaypee. Banta took him to Delhi and visited Vajaypee at his residence. Vajaypee personally welcomed Banta and asked him to stay for lunch.Not still convinced his boss asked to meet Bill Clinto. In the White House , Bill Clinton was excited to see Banta and took him to the Oval Room. He knew Banta like childhood friends. The boss still not convinced asked Banta to take him to meet the Pope. In rome the Pope appeared in front of thousands of visitors at his balcony on the third floor, Banta not able to get attention from the Pope, decides to go to the balcony where Pope was standing. Banta asks his boss to wait. In 5 minutes he sufaces on the balcony next to the Pope. The pope greets and hugs him. Suddenly he notices his Boss collapsed on the ground. On the way to the hospital he asks his boss, "What Happened?" his boss replies, " Everything was fine..Untill when u surfaced next to the Pope, A man standing next to me, asked, Who is that man standing next to Banta Singh??? "
14. A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than 100,000 kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea. A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000 kms!
15. How do you get a Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
16. Why did the sardar stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
17. A man asked a sardar: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
"No, who wrote it?"
18. The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh "Santa Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?".
19. Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said Banta with joy," I have been illiterate for so long."
20. Mr. Jaswant Singh went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.
Singh asked, " Where is the fat?"
The person didn't understand what Singh was saying and said, " Excuse me sir, FAT???"
Sardar: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Sardar about the problem.
Then sardar said "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written 'FAT FREE' on that but this guy is not giving me the fat.
21. Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: " Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away. Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: " Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away. Laaloo Yadav visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state." Hearing this, God starts crying. Laaloo is astounded and asks: " God, why are you crying ? " God replies: " Son, I will not see it in my lifetime "
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Santa_11
1. Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
2. Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a 'around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, " Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japnese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea.Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, " Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan ".................... and finally yelled at the top of his voice, "Bharat mata ki jai",
And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.
3. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
4. What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
5. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed!!!
6. What did the sardarji do when his wife gave birth to twins?
He went searching for the other man.
7. A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
8. What do you do when a Sardarji throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell.... he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
9. Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a Regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
10. Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
11. A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs
Start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him
"kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai Lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata " .
12. Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train.
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees,the sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to Wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the Train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
13. Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and Started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is Missing ;
what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
14. Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space .The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" (its the barking sound )
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
15. Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay.
They managed to to a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom
seat,But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.
He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you So scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"
16. Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
17. One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic.Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.
18. A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
19. Banta : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Santa : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
20. Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.
2. Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a 'around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, " Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." All of them moved towards the Deck where a japnese came forward and shouted "Long live japan" and jumped into the sea.Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, " Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan ".................... and finally yelled at the top of his voice, "Bharat mata ki jai",
And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea.
3. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
4. What did the sardarji do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
5. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed!!!
6. What did the sardarji do when his wife gave birth to twins?
He went searching for the other man.
7. A sardarji going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
8. What do you do when a Sardarji throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell.... he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
9. Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a Regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
10. Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
11. A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs
Start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him
"kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai Lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata " .
12. Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train.
He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived.
This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees,the sardarji deserved more service.
So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home.
Reaching home, he went to Wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the Train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
13. Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and Started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is Missing ;
what are you thanking God for ?"
The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
14. Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space .The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" (its the barking sound )
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
15. Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay.
They managed to to a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom
seat,But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh.
He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you So scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"
16. Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
17. One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic.Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.
18. A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
19. Banta : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Santa : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
20. Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.
Santa_10
1. Before going to Europe on business, a sardar drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the sardar said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the sardar walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan officer said. The sardar wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The sardar smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?"
2. Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Santa Singh are standing when a Britisher comes and asks "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?
Hindu: "Lotus"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being our national flower.
Muslim: "Chameli"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Muslim also surprised and angry.
Britisher: "sardarji and what is your favorite flower?"
Patriotic Santa: "CACTUS!"
3. Santa singh and Banta singh went to Australia in search of job.santa said, you go east and i'll go west and we shall meet here at the same spot in the evening.so in the evening santa came empty handed and banta came in a beautiful car.how did you get it,asked santa,i was walking along the road a pretty girl invited me to sit in this beautiful car,i did that and she took me deep in the jugle and came out of the car, removed all her cloths and commanded me,take whatever you like.i took the car and came running to you,banta said.at this exclaimed santa, "arre bewaqoof kapde kyon chhod diye".
4. A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The japanese took the radiator, the britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the door. After a while of walking the britisher asked the japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid." Next the sardar asked the britisher "Why did you bring the seat?" So the britisher said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand.
I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the japanese asked the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."
5. Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...
6. Why does a sardar only change his baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."
7. Did you hear about the sardar skydiver?
He missed the Earth!
8. Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom
9. Once a Sardarji went to a toilet, and on the door inside the toilet was written , "Congratulations!!! You have won yourself a free ticket for An amazing tennis match, for your ticket please look at your left", and on the left wall was written , "look at your right", and on the right wall was written , "look at your left ".
10. Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?
11. A girl ask her boyfriend (SARDAR) when we get Engaged u'll give me a ring naa,he replied yes ofcourse give me u'r telephone no:
12. Once a Sikh, a Hindu, a Muslim & a Christian Priest met & were discussing their collections from offerings from devotees after conducting the prayers. The Christian priest said : "I throw all the collections in the air after drawing a Cross on the floor & whatever falls on the cross goes to the church & i take the balance".The Muslim priest said : "I follow a similar principle. I throw all the money after drawing a crescent on the floor & whtever falls on the crescent goes to the mosque ,the rest i keep".the hindu priest says :"I write OM on the gorund & throw all the collections in the air, whatever falls on the OM goes to the temple ,the rest I keep". THEN all of them look at the Sardarji who says: I THORW ALL THE COLLECTIONS IN AIR, WHATEVER GOD KEEPS IS HIS,WHATEVER FALLS ON THE GROUND , I KEEP IN ALL HUMLITY.
13. Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?".
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
14. A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; The following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day,he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
15. We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"
16. Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
17. Why do sardar laugh when he see's lightning in sky??
Answer-Because he thinks his photograph is being taken.
18. Once a Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks. He takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks -kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke ja rahe ho? Sardarji replies Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun.
19. Once upon a time, samtasingh was working in a circus and suddenly one of the lions broke off the cage. everyone was panicking and so the manager decided to ask our bold sardarji to solve this problem. so he let him in. now, as soon as samtasingh entered in the lion roared after him in hunger. so our samtaji sat into the jeep and raced at top speed. soon to his fate he discovered that the lion was just after him. just ahead there came a diversion so sardarji gave the indicator left and turned right, and luckily the lion went left. but soon after this again he joined the main road and the lion was after him, so this time he gave the indicator for right and turned left, and so did the lion. getting very happy at his cleverness, the sardar laughed. but after a few minutes again he joined the main road and the lion was after him. this time there was no diversion ahead. so our samtaji stopped the jeep and waved the lion to go in front of him as if to overtake.and the lion even did this. moral of the story:- "there are some sardar species in lions too."
20. A sardar saw an advertisement "wanted a volentere for a unique experiment..1 lakh RS. Sardar thought for a moment why not....he landed up at the lab and lo....doctors were very delighted...One of the doctors wanted to explain him the experiment..The doctor said look we want to find out what is a mix between a man and a female gorrila..so you have understood the rest..and you know its 1 lakh...sardar thought for a minute and said ok...I am ready but I have three conditions
1..nobody will see what I am doing to her
2..I will not kiss her
3..I will pay 1 lakh in installments
2. Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Santa Singh are standing when a Britisher comes and asks "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers?
Hindu: "Lotus"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being our national flower.
Muslim: "Chameli"
Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!"
Muslim also surprised and angry.
Britisher: "sardarji and what is your favorite flower?"
Patriotic Santa: "CACTUS!"
3. Santa singh and Banta singh went to Australia in search of job.santa said, you go east and i'll go west and we shall meet here at the same spot in the evening.so in the evening santa came empty handed and banta came in a beautiful car.how did you get it,asked santa,i was walking along the road a pretty girl invited me to sit in this beautiful car,i did that and she took me deep in the jugle and came out of the car, removed all her cloths and commanded me,take whatever you like.i took the car and came running to you,banta said.at this exclaimed santa, "arre bewaqoof kapde kyon chhod diye".
4. A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The japanese took the radiator, the britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the door. After a while of walking the britisher asked the japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid." Next the sardar asked the britisher "Why did you bring the seat?" So the britisher said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand.
I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the japanese asked the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."
5. Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...
6. Why does a sardar only change his baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."
7. Did you hear about the sardar skydiver?
He missed the Earth!
8. Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs?
He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom
9. Once a Sardarji went to a toilet, and on the door inside the toilet was written , "Congratulations!!! You have won yourself a free ticket for An amazing tennis match, for your ticket please look at your left", and on the left wall was written , "look at your right", and on the right wall was written , "look at your left ".
10. Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?
11. A girl ask her boyfriend (SARDAR) when we get Engaged u'll give me a ring naa,he replied yes ofcourse give me u'r telephone no:
12. Once a Sikh, a Hindu, a Muslim & a Christian Priest met & were discussing their collections from offerings from devotees after conducting the prayers. The Christian priest said : "I throw all the collections in the air after drawing a Cross on the floor & whatever falls on the cross goes to the church & i take the balance".The Muslim priest said : "I follow a similar principle. I throw all the money after drawing a crescent on the floor & whtever falls on the crescent goes to the mosque ,the rest i keep".the hindu priest says :"I write OM on the gorund & throw all the collections in the air, whatever falls on the OM goes to the temple ,the rest I keep". THEN all of them look at the Sardarji who says: I THORW ALL THE COLLECTIONS IN AIR, WHATEVER GOD KEEPS IS HIS,WHATEVER FALLS ON THE GROUND , I KEEP IN ALL HUMLITY.
13. Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?".
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
14. A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; The following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day,he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
15. We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"
16. Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
17. Why do sardar laugh when he see's lightning in sky??
Answer-Because he thinks his photograph is being taken.
18. Once a Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks. He takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks -kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke ja rahe ho? Sardarji replies Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun.
19. Once upon a time, samtasingh was working in a circus and suddenly one of the lions broke off the cage. everyone was panicking and so the manager decided to ask our bold sardarji to solve this problem. so he let him in. now, as soon as samtasingh entered in the lion roared after him in hunger. so our samtaji sat into the jeep and raced at top speed. soon to his fate he discovered that the lion was just after him. just ahead there came a diversion so sardarji gave the indicator left and turned right, and luckily the lion went left. but soon after this again he joined the main road and the lion was after him, so this time he gave the indicator for right and turned left, and so did the lion. getting very happy at his cleverness, the sardar laughed. but after a few minutes again he joined the main road and the lion was after him. this time there was no diversion ahead. so our samtaji stopped the jeep and waved the lion to go in front of him as if to overtake.and the lion even did this. moral of the story:- "there are some sardar species in lions too."
20. A sardar saw an advertisement "wanted a volentere for a unique experiment..1 lakh RS. Sardar thought for a moment why not....he landed up at the lab and lo....doctors were very delighted...One of the doctors wanted to explain him the experiment..The doctor said look we want to find out what is a mix between a man and a female gorrila..so you have understood the rest..and you know its 1 lakh...sardar thought for a minute and said ok...I am ready but I have three conditions
1..nobody will see what I am doing to her
2..I will not kiss her
3..I will pay 1 lakh in installments
Santa_9
1. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
2. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
3. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
4. What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
5. What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
6. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
7. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
8. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
9. "Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
10. What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
11. Ek Bar Ek Sharabi tha he was addicted to wine.One day he was out of money so he goes to a temple.There was a huge statue of Hanumanji.He requested to Hanumanji to give him 10 rupees & assured that he will not drink after that day. The priest of the Temple was in the back side of Statue.Usne 10 rupe yeh sochkar phek diye sayad yeh sarab peni chod de.uske bad sarabi chala jata hai.Agle din woh phir se aa jata hai aur hanumanji se phir wahi request karta hai kai main aaj ke bad kabhi nahi peunga sirf aaj mujhe 10 rupe de do, pujari phir se wahi sochkar paise phek deta hai ke sayad yeh sudhar jaye.Ugle din pujari waha se badi murti hatakar choti si murti rakh deta hai, sarabi phir se aata hai aur upar ki taraf dekhta hai to ushe kuch najar nahi aata hai, phir woh sir jhukakar niche dekhta hai to ushe chote hanumanji najar aate hai, woh unki Thudi par ungli lagakar puchta hai ki "Bete Aapke Papaji Kaha Hai"
12. Once a sardar was travelling in a plane when the airhostess announced that we are passing over the equator. the sardar got very excited and picked up his binoculars and started searching for the equator, after some time he called air hostess and demanded i want to see the equator cant't find it and u said we are passing over it. the airhostess embarrased, replied "sir, the equator is just an imaginary line an u can't see it." the sardar got furious and said "but u just announced it that we are passing over it so why can't see it. " this caused a big confusion and arguement in the plane and one crew member passing by got an idea. he came over to the sardar and said "sardarji u look down with your binoculars and i will show u the equator." the sardar looked down.the crew member plucked a hair from sardarji's head and placed it in front of the binocular. "sardarji can u see the equator ? yes! yes! replied the sardar i can see it wide and clear.i can even see animals! roaming over it"
13. Santa and Banta r two friends and Santa singh has very good job. Banta singh is jobless and one day asks Santa for some good Job. Santa singh says , OK next time we will apply together and they do. On interviw day, santa singh says , first I will go inside and answer all questions except last one, and after coming out, i would give u the all answers and questions. So u go and then answer there. U will get the Job. So, Santa goes in. EMPLOYER: When we got independence?
SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?
SANTA: (He was not to reply last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir. Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh. Banta singh was real
SARDAR: and he remembers all answers and forgot questions. He goes in Now.
EMPLOYER: When were u born?
BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: What???? Who is your father?
BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: Employer is upset now. Are u Mad Mr. Banta?
BANTA: Good Question,Research is going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir.
14. After a trial had been going on for three days, Santa Singh, the surd accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Santa Singh looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
15. Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They Were planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll Get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied,
"No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT .WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
16. 80,000 Sardarji's meet at the Jalianwala Bagh for a "Sardarjis Are Not Stupid Convention.
" Santha Singh, the head says," We are all here today to prove to the world that Sardarjis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
One Sardarji steps up. Santha Singh asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, "Eighteen." Obviously,
everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 sardarjis start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance.
" Santha Singh says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance." So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds, the sardarji eventually says,
"Ninety?" Santha Singh sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the sardarji starts crying.
80,000 sardarji start yelling, "Give him another chance,give him another chance." SanthaSingh, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The sardarji closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 sardarjis start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
17. A Sardar was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach. He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".
18. Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He Promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as To what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
19. Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair Of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a Search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"
20. A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It Keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The sardar says, "I'll take it!". The next day, he walks into work With his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
He threw it off a cliff.
2. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
3. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
4. What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
5. What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
6. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
7. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
8. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
9. "Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
10. What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
11. Ek Bar Ek Sharabi tha he was addicted to wine.One day he was out of money so he goes to a temple.There was a huge statue of Hanumanji.He requested to Hanumanji to give him 10 rupees & assured that he will not drink after that day. The priest of the Temple was in the back side of Statue.Usne 10 rupe yeh sochkar phek diye sayad yeh sarab peni chod de.uske bad sarabi chala jata hai.Agle din woh phir se aa jata hai aur hanumanji se phir wahi request karta hai kai main aaj ke bad kabhi nahi peunga sirf aaj mujhe 10 rupe de do, pujari phir se wahi sochkar paise phek deta hai ke sayad yeh sudhar jaye.Ugle din pujari waha se badi murti hatakar choti si murti rakh deta hai, sarabi phir se aata hai aur upar ki taraf dekhta hai to ushe kuch najar nahi aata hai, phir woh sir jhukakar niche dekhta hai to ushe chote hanumanji najar aate hai, woh unki Thudi par ungli lagakar puchta hai ki "Bete Aapke Papaji Kaha Hai"
12. Once a sardar was travelling in a plane when the airhostess announced that we are passing over the equator. the sardar got very excited and picked up his binoculars and started searching for the equator, after some time he called air hostess and demanded i want to see the equator cant't find it and u said we are passing over it. the airhostess embarrased, replied "sir, the equator is just an imaginary line an u can't see it." the sardar got furious and said "but u just announced it that we are passing over it so why can't see it. " this caused a big confusion and arguement in the plane and one crew member passing by got an idea. he came over to the sardar and said "sardarji u look down with your binoculars and i will show u the equator." the sardar looked down.the crew member plucked a hair from sardarji's head and placed it in front of the binocular. "sardarji can u see the equator ? yes! yes! replied the sardar i can see it wide and clear.i can even see animals! roaming over it"
13. Santa and Banta r two friends and Santa singh has very good job. Banta singh is jobless and one day asks Santa for some good Job. Santa singh says , OK next time we will apply together and they do. On interviw day, santa singh says , first I will go inside and answer all questions except last one, and after coming out, i would give u the all answers and questions. So u go and then answer there. U will get the Job. So, Santa goes in. EMPLOYER: When we got independence?
SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?
SANTA: (He was not to reply last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir. Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh. Banta singh was real
SARDAR: and he remembers all answers and forgot questions. He goes in Now.
EMPLOYER: When were u born?
BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: What???? Who is your father?
BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: Employer is upset now. Are u Mad Mr. Banta?
BANTA: Good Question,Research is going on, and when i know, i will tell u Sir.
14. After a trial had been going on for three days, Santa Singh, the surd accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Santa Singh looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
15. Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They Were planning for free Punjab.
Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll Get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied,
"No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word.
Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT .WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
16. 80,000 Sardarji's meet at the Jalianwala Bagh for a "Sardarjis Are Not Stupid Convention.
" Santha Singh, the head says," We are all here today to prove to the world that Sardarjis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
One Sardarji steps up. Santha Singh asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, "Eighteen." Obviously,
everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 sardarjis start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance.
" Santha Singh says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance." So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds, the sardarji eventually says,
"Ninety?" Santha Singh sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the sardarji starts crying.
80,000 sardarji start yelling, "Give him another chance,give him another chance." SanthaSingh, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The sardarji closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 sardarjis start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
17. A Sardar was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach. He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".
18. Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He Promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as To what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
19. Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair Of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a Search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"
20. A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."
The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It Keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The sardar says, "I'll take it!". The next day, he walks into work With his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
Santa_8
1. How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
2. Santa Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked," Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be," said Santa with joy,
"I have been illiterate for so long."
3. Two surds go fishing.They hire a boat and row into the lake. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first surd says: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish." The other answers: "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "You idiot!" replies the first. "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow
4.
5. Once a sardar and his wife are walking on the road.suddenly a crow flying above them shits on the sardar`s shoulders.his wife goes and gets a paper napkin for him.the surd tells him its of no use now, the crow has vanished.
6.
7. Once a Sardarji went to America,he saw that a rocket could not start,he asked a man who was incharge of the station.The sardarji asked him to let the sardarji try.The man said o.k.The sardarji first ordered them to tilt the rocket to 45 degrees,then he ordered to tilt the rocket 90 degrees.The man incharge hit the switch and the rocket went woooooom. The man incharge asked him that "how did you do it".The sardarji replied that"in our India if the scooter does not work,we twist it 45 degrees".
8.
9. Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street, which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says, "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared.
Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says,
"I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
10. What is a jiving Sardar called?
Breakdan Singh.
11. A sardar goes to 'Kaun Banega Karodpati' show.
Amitabh Bachchan asks him, "Sardarji aap kiske saath yahan aaye hai?"
Sardar : " Pitaaji ke saath".
Amitabh : "Aap ke pitaaji ka shubhnaam?"
Sardar : "Hmm.... yes."
Amitabh : "Amm.... kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"
Sardar : "Hmm... OK."
Amitabh : "Are sardarji, main aapse aapke pitaji ka naam poochh raha hoon"
Sardar : "Pehle mujhe chaar options to do ! ! !"
12. A Sardar Purchased a new Volkswagon Beetle and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. The Sardar came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat. By that time another Sardar came by that way and saw our Sardar, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter. "The Volkswagon people made me fool. They have given me the Car without the engine." Sardar 2 said "Don't worry. I have spare engine in the back of new Beetle. You can take that."
13. The doctor told the Sardar that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the Sardar called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor."I'm 2400 kms from home."
14. Two Sardars got fed up with the their Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. the 1st Sardar asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now". the other Sardar replies "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"
15. Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man,Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
16. A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere In Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
17. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
18. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
19. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
20. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
2. Santa Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked," Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be," said Santa with joy,
"I have been illiterate for so long."
3. Two surds go fishing.They hire a boat and row into the lake. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first surd says: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish." The other answers: "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "You idiot!" replies the first. "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow
4.
5. Once a sardar and his wife are walking on the road.suddenly a crow flying above them shits on the sardar`s shoulders.his wife goes and gets a paper napkin for him.the surd tells him its of no use now, the crow has vanished.
6.
7. Once a Sardarji went to America,he saw that a rocket could not start,he asked a man who was incharge of the station.The sardarji asked him to let the sardarji try.The man said o.k.The sardarji first ordered them to tilt the rocket to 45 degrees,then he ordered to tilt the rocket 90 degrees.The man incharge hit the switch and the rocket went woooooom. The man incharge asked him that "how did you do it".The sardarji replied that"in our India if the scooter does not work,we twist it 45 degrees".
8.
9. Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street, which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says, "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared.
Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says,
"I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
10. What is a jiving Sardar called?
Breakdan Singh.
11. A sardar goes to 'Kaun Banega Karodpati' show.
Amitabh Bachchan asks him, "Sardarji aap kiske saath yahan aaye hai?"
Sardar : " Pitaaji ke saath".
Amitabh : "Aap ke pitaaji ka shubhnaam?"
Sardar : "Hmm.... yes."
Amitabh : "Amm.... kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"
Sardar : "Hmm... OK."
Amitabh : "Are sardarji, main aapse aapke pitaji ka naam poochh raha hoon"
Sardar : "Pehle mujhe chaar options to do ! ! !"
12. A Sardar Purchased a new Volkswagon Beetle and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. The Sardar came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat. By that time another Sardar came by that way and saw our Sardar, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter. "The Volkswagon people made me fool. They have given me the Car without the engine." Sardar 2 said "Don't worry. I have spare engine in the back of new Beetle. You can take that."
13. The doctor told the Sardar that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the Sardar called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor."I'm 2400 kms from home."
14. Two Sardars got fed up with the their Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. the 1st Sardar asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now". the other Sardar replies "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"
15. Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man,Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
16. A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere In Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
17. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
18. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
19. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
20. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
Santa_7
1. Santa Singh ji the english lecturer Sardar Santa Singh ji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class. This is what transpires : Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH .The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.
Principal : " Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students , GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".
Santa Singh : " Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION (ASS ASS I NATION).
2. Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him,"Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you have "grown up" daughters?". The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night.....
3. Once there were 2 sardarjis who were engaged in printing fake notes. Accidently one day one of the sardarjis printed one 7 rupee note. Not knowing what to do with this he went to the other sardarji and asked him whether he has change for a 7 rupee note, the other sardarji replied yes and fetched a 3 rupee and a 4 rupee note as the change.
4. A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander : A Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
5. Santa singh and Banta singh are employed in a computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Santa Singh being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Banta Singh is struggling very hard to lift his computer. At this Santa Singh says " What Banta, my comp has 500 MB HD and urs has just 250, even then u cannot lift it ???" At this Banta Singh thinks for a while and replies "Thats right, but my HD is full and urs is empty"
6. The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
7. There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.
8. We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"
9.
10. Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
11. Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
12. A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think-I'm sardar!"
13. SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. "Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven." "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night." "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
14. A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho(what are you doing)?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin'"
15. A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
16. A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over him. The sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly.
17. How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping?
Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.
18.
19. Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
20.
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH .The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.
Principal : " Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students , GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".
Santa Singh : " Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION (ASS ASS I NATION).
2. Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him,"Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you have "grown up" daughters?". The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night.....
3. Once there were 2 sardarjis who were engaged in printing fake notes. Accidently one day one of the sardarjis printed one 7 rupee note. Not knowing what to do with this he went to the other sardarji and asked him whether he has change for a 7 rupee note, the other sardarji replied yes and fetched a 3 rupee and a 4 rupee note as the change.
4. A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander : A Marathon race is going on
Sardar : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!
5. Santa singh and Banta singh are employed in a computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Santa Singh being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Banta Singh is struggling very hard to lift his computer. At this Santa Singh says " What Banta, my comp has 500 MB HD and urs has just 250, even then u cannot lift it ???" At this Banta Singh thinks for a while and replies "Thats right, but my HD is full and urs is empty"
6. The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
7. There were these two Sardarji twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.
8. We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!"
9.
10. Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
11. Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
12. A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think-I'm sardar!"
13. SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. "Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven." "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night." "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
14. A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho(what are you doing)?" To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin'"
15. A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
16. A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over him. The sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly.
17. How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping?
Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.
18.
19. Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
20.
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Santa_6
1. About his family :
I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
2. At the ground :
All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the ball. To a boy, angrily :
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
3. Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
Sir at his best :
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school... (to that boy) - " Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
4. A Sardarji, a Muslim, a Hindu and an American were flying. Suddenly the plane's engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they realise that there are no parachutes on the plane.
Sardar being little bold thinks "saala marna tey haiga, why not try something". He unties his turban and holds the ends, making it like a Parachute, and jumps out. Luckily the idea works and he floats down like on a parachute.
Seeing this, Hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating.
Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating.
Now comes American's turn. Poor chap is wearing torn Bermudas and a tattered T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them ties everything up and jumps. But it does not hold and he starts falling very quickly. On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, who says "Allah tumhari khair kare". Another 1000 feet and he passes the Pandit. Pandit says "Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare".
Falling rapidly, he quickly passes the Sardarji. Sardarji says "accha aey gul eh.....race lagani haigi, le phir"......... and leaves the turban.
5. Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband."Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
6. "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
7. A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
8. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
9. Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahi pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahi pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
10. A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the temple... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving... I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
11. Jogi Singh was making a documentary on Indian tribes. For this, he went to the deep jungles for the details. One day, Jogi Singh was walking along with two tribals in the jungle, when, all of a sudden, one of the tribal took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. The tribal stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Jogi Singh was puzzled and asked the other tribal what that was all about, was that person mad or something. "No", said the other tribal. "It is mating time for us tribals and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other tribal saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. Jogi Singh started running around the forest looking for a cave to find these women that the tribals had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those tribals found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of,"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, "NAKED SARDARJI RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN CROSSING A TUNNEL"!!!!!!
12. Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied. The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
13. Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed "the runway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."
14. A Surd prime minister visited the president of the neighbouring country and complained about all this jokes about surds that others tell each other. "This leads to the impression that all surds are stupid," he said. "You should not take this so earnest," answered the neighbouring minister . "These are only jokes and not true stories. And there are also stupid people in our country. I will prove it to you." Saying so he went to his driver and said: "Please drive to my home and find out, whether I am at home. "The driver immediately went on his way. The surd prime minister was satisfied and says, "He is very stupid indeed. There is a public phone just at the corner. It would have been easier to ring."
15. A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was "There should not be last coach in any train."
16. Santa singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne wala gadha" (One who reads it is an ass). Santa singh thought for an hour, erased and wrote back, "Likhene waala gadha" (One who wrote it is an ass)."
17. A surd walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. A coke pops out. The surd looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. A man walks up behind the surd and watches his doing for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. The surd spins around and shouts "Can you not see that I am winning."
18. An surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones. He tells the hairdresser "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the headphones." The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even notice.. The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to and hears "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....."
19. Shatabdi express from Bombay to Delhi stopped amidst thick forest. Suddenly few dacoits enter the train with syringes filled with blood. They announce that they have HIV infected blood in the syringe, any passenger not willing to give his belongings will be injected and has to suffer from AIDS. One Saradarji sitting in a corner seat smiles. All passengers start giving their belongings. Docoits start collecting from one by one but our Saradarji refuses to give in even though he did not have much belongings. Dacoits warn him that they will inject him with the blood but Sardarji starts laughing. The dacoits inject him with the virus and take off. All passengers gather round him and ask why he refused to separate with his belongings at the cost of his life . The Sardar replies, "You see they didn't know that I was wearing a condom!!"
20. One sardar came to madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar.his tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price . Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok , i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.it was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the sardar the stereo free of cost. "Our sardar asked whether he will give two."
I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
2. At the ground :
All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the ball. To a boy, angrily :
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
3. Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
Sir at his best :
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school... (to that boy) - " Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
4. A Sardarji, a Muslim, a Hindu and an American were flying. Suddenly the plane's engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they realise that there are no parachutes on the plane.
Sardar being little bold thinks "saala marna tey haiga, why not try something". He unties his turban and holds the ends, making it like a Parachute, and jumps out. Luckily the idea works and he floats down like on a parachute.
Seeing this, Hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating.
Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating.
Now comes American's turn. Poor chap is wearing torn Bermudas and a tattered T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them ties everything up and jumps. But it does not hold and he starts falling very quickly. On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, who says "Allah tumhari khair kare". Another 1000 feet and he passes the Pandit. Pandit says "Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare".
Falling rapidly, he quickly passes the Sardarji. Sardarji says "accha aey gul eh.....race lagani haigi, le phir"......... and leaves the turban.
5. Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband."Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
6. "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
7. A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
8. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
9. Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahi pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahi pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
10. A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the temple... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving... I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord: "SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
11. Jogi Singh was making a documentary on Indian tribes. For this, he went to the deep jungles for the details. One day, Jogi Singh was walking along with two tribals in the jungle, when, all of a sudden, one of the tribal took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. The tribal stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Jogi Singh was puzzled and asked the other tribal what that was all about, was that person mad or something. "No", said the other tribal. "It is mating time for us tribals and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other tribal saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. Jogi Singh started running around the forest looking for a cave to find these women that the tribals had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those tribals found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of,"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, "NAKED SARDARJI RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN CROSSING A TUNNEL"!!!!!!
12. Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," Banta Singh replied. The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
13. Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screamed "the runway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."
14. A Surd prime minister visited the president of the neighbouring country and complained about all this jokes about surds that others tell each other. "This leads to the impression that all surds are stupid," he said. "You should not take this so earnest," answered the neighbouring minister . "These are only jokes and not true stories. And there are also stupid people in our country. I will prove it to you." Saying so he went to his driver and said: "Please drive to my home and find out, whether I am at home. "The driver immediately went on his way. The surd prime minister was satisfied and says, "He is very stupid indeed. There is a public phone just at the corner. It would have been easier to ring."
15. A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was "There should not be last coach in any train."
16. Santa singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne wala gadha" (One who reads it is an ass). Santa singh thought for an hour, erased and wrote back, "Likhene waala gadha" (One who wrote it is an ass)."
17. A surd walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. A coke pops out. The surd looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. A man walks up behind the surd and watches his doing for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. The surd spins around and shouts "Can you not see that I am winning."
18. An surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones. He tells the hairdresser "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the headphones." The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even notice.. The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to and hears "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....."
19. Shatabdi express from Bombay to Delhi stopped amidst thick forest. Suddenly few dacoits enter the train with syringes filled with blood. They announce that they have HIV infected blood in the syringe, any passenger not willing to give his belongings will be injected and has to suffer from AIDS. One Saradarji sitting in a corner seat smiles. All passengers start giving their belongings. Docoits start collecting from one by one but our Saradarji refuses to give in even though he did not have much belongings. Dacoits warn him that they will inject him with the blood but Sardarji starts laughing. The dacoits inject him with the virus and take off. All passengers gather round him and ask why he refused to separate with his belongings at the cost of his life . The Sardar replies, "You see they didn't know that I was wearing a condom!!"
20. One sardar came to madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar.his tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price . Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok , i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.it was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the sardar the stereo free of cost. "Our sardar asked whether he will give two."
Santa_5
1. Santa ji naukri dhoond rahe they, India mein to kahi se call aayee nahin..."yahaan to companiya mere standard kee nahin hai khair !!"
Ab aaayee videsh ki baari... wahan se to ji pehali baar mein hi reply aa gaya. bade khush...daru-sharu di party de dali. dost poocchne lagge ki, bhai, bata to kon si company hai, kitni salary hai...vagairah-2. To Santa ne apni Appointment Letter sab ko dikhayi. English mein likha tha --- "Dear Mr. Santa, You do not meet our requirements no further correspondence will be entertained"
Sab Santa ke dost daaru pi ke to pad nahin sakte the aur wo bhi English????
So Santa ne TRANSLATE kiya Santa: Arey Angrezi ich letter aayeaa haiga, main hune tonuu translate kaar ke suna riya haaan .. To suno ki likhya hai......
"Dear Mr. Santa" ---- Sade pyarey Mishterrr Santa
"You do not meet" ----- tum to milte hi nahin ho...bahut busy ho.
"our requirements" ----- Humhe to bahut zarooorat hai.
"no further correspondence" ----- Aage chitthi patri di jarurat nahin hai, jaise bhi ho jaldi se aa jao
"will be entertained"---- Bahut khatir ki jayegi
2. One evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way...
Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually?
Sardarji: 'I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home.
Friend: 'Is it! Then, How did you come to office from home in the morning?'
Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.
3. How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??
He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!
4.
Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.
Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't compete with a world champion'
Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'
Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'
Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.
Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed.....
Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!
5.
One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.
6. One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach.
He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing "
Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai."
7. After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
8. There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy. After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.
9. BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE.
Friend: What are you looking at?
Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Beppo Singh: four asterisks!
10. BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
11. BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.
Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
12. BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
13. BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.
Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
14. Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying ...'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?"
15. A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
16. Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."
The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".
Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.
17. These days sardar does'nt sleeps with his wife because he says it is wrong to sleep with a married woman
18. Three sardarji's were fast approching long distance leaving train, two of them got into the train & third one remain on the platform, suddenly he started crying, people around when asked him the reason for crying, he mention that two of my freinds got into the train leaving me on the plateform.
Everybody advised him to take it easy & look for the next train. suddenly sardarji started laughing loudly, when people ask him with surprise he mention that actually i was suppose to go in that train, my other two freinds had come to see off me.
19. There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. After considerable discussion they finally decided to start a hotel.They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer.The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up.The story was the same the next day. A week passed,but nobody turned up.
WHY ? ..........
B'coz there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ? ...
B'coz their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.
They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati ShivajiTerminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?
B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi!!
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb an decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move.They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY ?
B'coz two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
20. Sardarji Proffesor Inside the Class :
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class ..)
Both of u three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....
Ab aaayee videsh ki baari... wahan se to ji pehali baar mein hi reply aa gaya. bade khush...daru-sharu di party de dali. dost poocchne lagge ki, bhai, bata to kon si company hai, kitni salary hai...vagairah-2. To Santa ne apni Appointment Letter sab ko dikhayi. English mein likha tha --- "Dear Mr. Santa, You do not meet our requirements no further correspondence will be entertained"
Sab Santa ke dost daaru pi ke to pad nahin sakte the aur wo bhi English????
So Santa ne TRANSLATE kiya Santa: Arey Angrezi ich letter aayeaa haiga, main hune tonuu translate kaar ke suna riya haaan .. To suno ki likhya hai......
"Dear Mr. Santa" ---- Sade pyarey Mishterrr Santa
"You do not meet" ----- tum to milte hi nahin ho...bahut busy ho.
"our requirements" ----- Humhe to bahut zarooorat hai.
"no further correspondence" ----- Aage chitthi patri di jarurat nahin hai, jaise bhi ho jaldi se aa jao
"will be entertained"---- Bahut khatir ki jayegi
2. One evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way...
Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually?
Sardarji: 'I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home.
Friend: 'Is it! Then, How did you come to office from home in the morning?'
Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.
3. How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??
He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!
4.
Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.
Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't compete with a world champion'
Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'
Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'
Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.
Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed.....
Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!
5.
One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.
6. One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing"Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach.
He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing "
Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai."
7. After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
8. There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy. After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.
9. BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE.
Friend: What are you looking at?
Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Beppo Singh: four asterisks!
10. BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
11. BEPPO SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.
Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!
12. BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
13. BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.
Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
14. Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying ...'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?"
15. A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
16. Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."
The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."
When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".
Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.
17. These days sardar does'nt sleeps with his wife because he says it is wrong to sleep with a married woman
18. Three sardarji's were fast approching long distance leaving train, two of them got into the train & third one remain on the platform, suddenly he started crying, people around when asked him the reason for crying, he mention that two of my freinds got into the train leaving me on the plateform.
Everybody advised him to take it easy & look for the next train. suddenly sardarji started laughing loudly, when people ask him with surprise he mention that actually i was suppose to go in that train, my other two freinds had come to see off me.
19. There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. After considerable discussion they finally decided to start a hotel.They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer.The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up.The story was the same the next day. A week passed,but nobody turned up.
WHY ? ..........
B'coz there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"
After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ? ...
B'coz their garage was on the first floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.
They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati ShivajiTerminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?
B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi!!
All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb an decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move.They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.
WHY ?
B'coz two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.
20. Sardarji Proffesor Inside the Class :
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. ( meaning AFTER the class ..)
Both of u three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....
Take 5 cm wire of any length....
Santa_4
1. Banta and his wife, Preeto were shocked when Preeto`s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.
So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and Banta decides he`d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--Preeto is coming downstairs, and Banta is heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," Preeto says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I`m glad to hear it, sweetie," Banta says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
2.
3. Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
4. Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for rupees two thousand.”
5. Santa leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he`s stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver`s side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We`re testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Santa replied, "I`m sorry, I can`t do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"In that case, I`m going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test."
Santa said, "I can`t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
The officer said, `Then you`ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "Can`t do that either," said Santa The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?" "Because I`m dead drunk."
6. Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second person.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him. He then called in the next applicant and asked the same question.
After hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Now it was the turn of our Santa. So he was called in and the President posed the question.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That`s easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.”
7. Santa is going out of town and needs to board his horse for a couple of months.
So he asks a local farmer about it and the farmer says, "Sure, but I charge rupess 500 per week, and I keep the manure."
Santa told him that he can`t afford this much, so the farmer refers him to another farmer, down the road.
When approached with the request, the farmer said said, "Yup, I can do it for rupees 400 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much for our Santa, and the farmer suggests that he try Banta.
. When our desperate Santa asks Banta, he is surprised to hear, "Sure. I`ll be glad to do it for rupees 50 per month."
With delight, Santa exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you`ll want to keep the manure."
Banta looked at Santa with kind of a squint, and says, "For Rupees 50 a month, there ain`t gonna be none.”
8. A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as Banta in a car slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached Banta.
"Sir, can I please see your license and rgistration."
Banta replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn`t come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said Banta, "all the wine shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I`m going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
Banta counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As Banta reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop.”
9. Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Banta: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one.
Cop: Don`t have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Banta: I can`t do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She`s in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out of his vehicle.
Banta: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Banta: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
Banta opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
Senior Officer: Is this your car sir?
Banta: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
Banta digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn`t have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Banta: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.”
10. Three guys were trying to sneak into the Asian Games Village at Busan, South Korea to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let`s watch the registration table to see if there`s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Fan Zhiyi. China. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Fan Zhiyi. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chang Koehan. North Korea. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Koehan. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Hidetoshi Nakata. Japan. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Nakata. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Banta is missing. They forgot to make sure he doesn`t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then Santa walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Banta. Hoshiarpur, Punjab. FENCING.”
11. Santa went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Santa`s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, Santa went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Santa that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Santa that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.
Santa thinks for some time and answers, "I don`t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that`s what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it`s not that," says Santa. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can`t take that chance.
12. Santa was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife, Jeeto had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Santa thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son.”
13. Banta is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don`t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred of trees for you in one day."
So, Banta takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two trees, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" Banta asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," Banta tells himself.
So, the next morning Banta gets up at 4:00 in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five trees. Banta is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,"
The very next day Banta brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Banta`s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which Banta responds, "What`s that noise.?
14. A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!"
"Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot.?”
15. Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a taxi for him.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately.
Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
16. Santa`s son was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, Jeeto, "How was I born?"
"Well dear..." said the embarrassed Jeeto, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too," said Jeeto.
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the frustrated Jeeto.
A few days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Stork is a large mostly white bird with very long legs which walks around in water to find its food.
17.
18. A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when Banta, a salesman, runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says Banta. "You can never lose it!"
"What do you mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says Banta. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says Banta. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once.
"Just one question," he says to Banta. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it.”
19. Santa was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Santa decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn`t happen again.
So Santa joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
One day, on the way home from work, Santa confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Santa went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Santa, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Santa replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off.”
20. Banta`s wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician`s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can`t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment.?
So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and Banta decides he`d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--Preeto is coming downstairs, and Banta is heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," Preeto says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I`m glad to hear it, sweetie," Banta says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
2.
3. Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
4. Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for rupees two thousand.”
5. Santa leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he`s stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver`s side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We`re testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Santa replied, "I`m sorry, I can`t do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"In that case, I`m going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test."
Santa said, "I can`t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
The officer said, `Then you`ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "Can`t do that either," said Santa The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?" "Because I`m dead drunk."
6. Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second person.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him. He then called in the next applicant and asked the same question.
After hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Now it was the turn of our Santa. So he was called in and the President posed the question.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That`s easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.”
7. Santa is going out of town and needs to board his horse for a couple of months.
So he asks a local farmer about it and the farmer says, "Sure, but I charge rupess 500 per week, and I keep the manure."
Santa told him that he can`t afford this much, so the farmer refers him to another farmer, down the road.
When approached with the request, the farmer said said, "Yup, I can do it for rupees 400 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much for our Santa, and the farmer suggests that he try Banta.
. When our desperate Santa asks Banta, he is surprised to hear, "Sure. I`ll be glad to do it for rupees 50 per month."
With delight, Santa exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you`ll want to keep the manure."
Banta looked at Santa with kind of a squint, and says, "For Rupees 50 a month, there ain`t gonna be none.”
8. A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as Banta in a car slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached Banta.
"Sir, can I please see your license and rgistration."
Banta replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn`t come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said Banta, "all the wine shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I`m going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
Banta counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As Banta reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop.”
9. Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Banta: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one.
Cop: Don`t have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Banta: I can`t do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She`s in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out of his vehicle.
Banta: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Banta: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
Banta opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
Senior Officer: Is this your car sir?
Banta: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
Banta digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn`t have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Banta: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.”
10. Three guys were trying to sneak into the Asian Games Village at Busan, South Korea to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let`s watch the registration table to see if there`s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Fan Zhiyi. China. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Fan Zhiyi. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chang Koehan. North Korea. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Koehan. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Hidetoshi Nakata. Japan. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Nakata. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Banta is missing. They forgot to make sure he doesn`t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then Santa walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Banta. Hoshiarpur, Punjab. FENCING.”
11. Santa went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Santa`s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, Santa went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Santa that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Santa that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.
Santa thinks for some time and answers, "I don`t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that`s what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it`s not that," says Santa. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can`t take that chance.
12. Santa was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife, Jeeto had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Santa thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son.”
13. Banta is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don`t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred of trees for you in one day."
So, Banta takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two trees, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" Banta asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," Banta tells himself.
So, the next morning Banta gets up at 4:00 in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five trees. Banta is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,"
The very next day Banta brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Banta`s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which Banta responds, "What`s that noise.?
14. A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!"
"Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot.?”
15. Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a taxi for him.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately.
Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
16. Santa`s son was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, Jeeto, "How was I born?"
"Well dear..." said the embarrassed Jeeto, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too," said Jeeto.
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the frustrated Jeeto.
A few days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Stork is a large mostly white bird with very long legs which walks around in water to find its food.
17.
18. A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when Banta, a salesman, runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says Banta. "You can never lose it!"
"What do you mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says Banta. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says Banta. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once.
"Just one question," he says to Banta. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it.”
19. Santa was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Santa decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn`t happen again.
So Santa joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
One day, on the way home from work, Santa confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Santa went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Santa, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Santa replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off.”
20. Banta`s wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician`s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can`t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment.?
Santa_3
1. Santa gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing737, he started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
He sort of forgets where he is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at Santa and the angry Pilot.
Santa stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE..”
2. Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There`s an old ghost`s face here!"
Santa sped up, but the old man`s face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Santa said, "I don`t know what happened, but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He`s back!"
Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud.?’
3. Santa and Banta meet in the street. Santa looked dejected and almost on the verge of tears.
Banta said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
Santa said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty lacs."
"That`s not bad."
"Hold on, I`m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew died and left me twenty lacs."
"I`d like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week – nothing.?”
4. Just after Santa got married, he was invited out for a night with the friends.
So Santa told his wife, Jeeto that he would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, so at around 2.30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk, and headed for home.
After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she`d probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Santa was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed.
Next morning his wife, Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o`clock.
She didn`t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When Santa asked her why, Jeeto said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said `oh crap,` cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it`s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.”
5. Santa and his wife, Jeeto had just gone to bed for the night. Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So this time also he went out for a routine check.
When Santa entered the den he was suprised by an intruder. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house. As the theif was about to leave our Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto."
The thief said, " Why on earth would you want me to meet your wife?"
Santa replied, "Well, she`s been expecting you for 20 years.”
6. Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.
Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweets of India!" replied Santa.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud `Pooooooooot!` sound (fart) from Santa.
"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."
7.
8. Santa was in Telecom deptt. before joining the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor was very upset with him.
"What`s the matter with you?" asked the Drill Instructor. "Why can`t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the Bantat, "and I don`t know why I can`t hit the target. Let me see..."
Banta checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," Banta said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end.”
9. Santa took a trip to Sydney, Australia. While in a bar, an Autralian on the next stool, spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let`s have a little game. I`ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t then you buy me one. OK?"
"Yeah, that sounds pretty fair and exciting too," said Santa.
The Australian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn`t my brother. It wasn`t my sister. Who was it?"
Santa scratched his head and finally, when he was tired of thinking, said, "I give up. Who was it?"
"It was me," chortled the Australian.
So Santa paid for the drinks.
Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta, "Hey Banta," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Banta.
Ok...my parents had one child. It was not my brother. It was not my sister. Who was it?"
"Search me," said Banta. "I give up, who was it?"
"It was some Autralian, down in Sydney."
10. Santa, Banta, and one of their friend, Sunny, tried out for the same job as road stripers. The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles, Banta had painted 3.5 miles, and Santa had painted 10 miles. The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his.
The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles, Banta 7 miles, and Santa 5 miles. The employer told Santa not to worry, you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles, Banta 8 miles, and Santa only two miles.
The employer was so disappointed, he asked Santa, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?"
Santa said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.”
11. Banta comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pyajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food-boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog-food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
Banta headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife, Preeto. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyajamas on, reading a book.
Preeto looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. Banta looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was Banta`s reply.
Preeto answered, "Well, today I didn`t do it.”
12. One day, Santa, Banta and their friend walked into a bar together. They proceeded to buy a drink.
Just as they where about to enjoy their drink, three flies landed in each of their drinks.
Their friend pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
Banta fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Santa picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the drink and then started yelling.
"Spit it out, Spit it out, You Bastard, Spit it out.”
13. Banta and his friend are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, Banta`s friend falls right in front of him, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn`t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick, as a flash, horrified Banta whips out his mobile and calls for emergency. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... My friend just fell to the ground right here in front of me! He`s not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I think he is dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Sir, you must try to stay calm. If there`s anything that can be done, we`ll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you`re right. I`m fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let`s make sure he`s dead." ....The line goes silent, then a shot is heard..... Banta`s voice comes back down the network....
`OK! What next?
14.
15. Santa`s wife, Jeeto, goes into a pet store one day.
She says to the clerk, "I need a pet to keep me company."
"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He`ll talk to you."
"Hey, that`s great."
She likes the idea and buys the parrot and takes him home. Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"You know, that parrot isn`t talking to me yet," she says.
"Hmmm, let`s see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He`ll climb the ladder...and then he`ll talk."
"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.
Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"Hey, that parrot still hasn`t said a word," Jeeto says to the pet store clerk.
He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he`ll talk to you."
"OK," Jeeto says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.
But the next day Jeeto is back in the shop.
"Well, I`m getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot isn`t talking to me yet."
The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"
"Well, all right, I`ll give it a try," says Jeeto. And she buys the bell and takes it home.
The next day Jeeto comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed.
"What`s wrong?" asks the clerk.
"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.
"Oh no! I`m so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"
"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," Jeeto replied.
"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.
Jeeto replies: "He said, `DOESN`T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD.”
16. Banta: "I`m going to become a lion tamer."
Santa: "That`s crazy, you don`t know nothing about no lion taming."
Banta: "Yes I do!"
Santa: "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
Banta: "I`ll take that big chair they all carry, and I`ll stick it in his face until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that whip they all carry, and I`ll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
Santa: "Well, what if that gun doesn`t work? What will you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll pick up some of the shit that`s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
Santa: "Well, what if there ain`t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "You ain`t thinkin` none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don`t work, there`s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
17. After days in the wilderness Santa and Banta stumble into a bar in the wild north in J&K and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they`ve got no money and the barman won`t give them credit. Just then a Kashmiri walks in with a terrorist`s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f**king hate terrorosts. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a terrorist, I will give him Rs 10,000".
Santa and Banta look at each other and then go off to find a terrorist. Later that day, they see one, and Banta throws a stone which hits the terrorist on the head. The terrorist falls off his bike but lands 100ft down a ravine.
Santa and Banta dash down into the ravine, where Santa starts sawing the terrorist`s head off.
Suddenly Banta says, `Santa look at this.`
Santa says, "Not now I`m busy."
Banta says, "No, look at this."
Santa says, "Shut up, I`m busy."
Banta grabs hold of him and Santa looks up and sees hundreds of terrorists standing at the top of the ravine.
`Wow!!` says Santa `We`re going to be millionaires.”
18.
19. Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What`s yours?"
"I`ll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be Rs 146.50 please,"
Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I`ll have the same."
Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad," says Banta.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be Rs 362.75."
Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says Banta, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always he there."
"That`s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That`s right! Whether it`s a coke or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says Banta.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what`s with the ostrich?"
Banta replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
20. It was a dark, stormy, night. Santa was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A Brigadier stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous Santa snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The Brigadier, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn`t it?"
Well it wasn`t a nice night, but Santa wasn`t going to disagree with the Brigadier, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The Brigadier continued, "You know there`s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it`s really relaxing. Don`t you agree?"
Santa didn`t agree, but then Santa was just a soldier, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
Santa glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier continued "I got this dog for my wife."
Santa simply said "Good trade Sir!"
As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing737, he started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
He sort of forgets where he is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at Santa and the angry Pilot.
Santa stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE..”
2. Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There`s an old ghost`s face here!"
Santa sped up, but the old man`s face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Santa said, "I don`t know what happened, but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He`s back!"
Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud.?’
3. Santa and Banta meet in the street. Santa looked dejected and almost on the verge of tears.
Banta said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
Santa said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty lacs."
"That`s not bad."
"Hold on, I`m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew died and left me twenty lacs."
"I`d like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week – nothing.?”
4. Just after Santa got married, he was invited out for a night with the friends.
So Santa told his wife, Jeeto that he would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, so at around 2.30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk, and headed for home.
After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she`d probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Santa was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed.
Next morning his wife, Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o`clock.
She didn`t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When Santa asked her why, Jeeto said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said `oh crap,` cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it`s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.”
5. Santa and his wife, Jeeto had just gone to bed for the night. Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So this time also he went out for a routine check.
When Santa entered the den he was suprised by an intruder. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house. As the theif was about to leave our Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto."
The thief said, " Why on earth would you want me to meet your wife?"
Santa replied, "Well, she`s been expecting you for 20 years.”
6. Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.
Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweets of India!" replied Santa.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud `Pooooooooot!` sound (fart) from Santa.
"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."
7.
8. Santa was in Telecom deptt. before joining the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor was very upset with him.
"What`s the matter with you?" asked the Drill Instructor. "Why can`t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the Bantat, "and I don`t know why I can`t hit the target. Let me see..."
Banta checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," Banta said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end.”
9. Santa took a trip to Sydney, Australia. While in a bar, an Autralian on the next stool, spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let`s have a little game. I`ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t then you buy me one. OK?"
"Yeah, that sounds pretty fair and exciting too," said Santa.
The Australian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn`t my brother. It wasn`t my sister. Who was it?"
Santa scratched his head and finally, when he was tired of thinking, said, "I give up. Who was it?"
"It was me," chortled the Australian.
So Santa paid for the drinks.
Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta, "Hey Banta," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Banta.
Ok...my parents had one child. It was not my brother. It was not my sister. Who was it?"
"Search me," said Banta. "I give up, who was it?"
"It was some Autralian, down in Sydney."
10. Santa, Banta, and one of their friend, Sunny, tried out for the same job as road stripers. The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles, Banta had painted 3.5 miles, and Santa had painted 10 miles. The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his.
The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles, Banta 7 miles, and Santa 5 miles. The employer told Santa not to worry, you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles, Banta 8 miles, and Santa only two miles.
The employer was so disappointed, he asked Santa, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?"
Santa said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.”
11. Banta comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pyajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food-boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog-food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
Banta headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife, Preeto. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyajamas on, reading a book.
Preeto looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. Banta looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was Banta`s reply.
Preeto answered, "Well, today I didn`t do it.”
12. One day, Santa, Banta and their friend walked into a bar together. They proceeded to buy a drink.
Just as they where about to enjoy their drink, three flies landed in each of their drinks.
Their friend pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
Banta fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Santa picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the drink and then started yelling.
"Spit it out, Spit it out, You Bastard, Spit it out.”
13. Banta and his friend are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, Banta`s friend falls right in front of him, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn`t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick, as a flash, horrified Banta whips out his mobile and calls for emergency. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... My friend just fell to the ground right here in front of me! He`s not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I think he is dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Sir, you must try to stay calm. If there`s anything that can be done, we`ll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you`re right. I`m fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let`s make sure he`s dead." ....The line goes silent, then a shot is heard..... Banta`s voice comes back down the network....
`OK! What next?
14.
15. Santa`s wife, Jeeto, goes into a pet store one day.
She says to the clerk, "I need a pet to keep me company."
"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He`ll talk to you."
"Hey, that`s great."
She likes the idea and buys the parrot and takes him home. Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"You know, that parrot isn`t talking to me yet," she says.
"Hmmm, let`s see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He`ll climb the ladder...and then he`ll talk."
"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.
Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"Hey, that parrot still hasn`t said a word," Jeeto says to the pet store clerk.
He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he`ll talk to you."
"OK," Jeeto says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.
But the next day Jeeto is back in the shop.
"Well, I`m getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot isn`t talking to me yet."
The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"
"Well, all right, I`ll give it a try," says Jeeto. And she buys the bell and takes it home.
The next day Jeeto comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed.
"What`s wrong?" asks the clerk.
"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.
"Oh no! I`m so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"
"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," Jeeto replied.
"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.
Jeeto replies: "He said, `DOESN`T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD.”
16. Banta: "I`m going to become a lion tamer."
Santa: "That`s crazy, you don`t know nothing about no lion taming."
Banta: "Yes I do!"
Santa: "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
Banta: "I`ll take that big chair they all carry, and I`ll stick it in his face until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that whip they all carry, and I`ll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
Santa: "Well, what if that gun doesn`t work? What will you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll pick up some of the shit that`s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
Santa: "Well, what if there ain`t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "You ain`t thinkin` none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don`t work, there`s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
17. After days in the wilderness Santa and Banta stumble into a bar in the wild north in J&K and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they`ve got no money and the barman won`t give them credit. Just then a Kashmiri walks in with a terrorist`s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f**king hate terrorosts. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a terrorist, I will give him Rs 10,000".
Santa and Banta look at each other and then go off to find a terrorist. Later that day, they see one, and Banta throws a stone which hits the terrorist on the head. The terrorist falls off his bike but lands 100ft down a ravine.
Santa and Banta dash down into the ravine, where Santa starts sawing the terrorist`s head off.
Suddenly Banta says, `Santa look at this.`
Santa says, "Not now I`m busy."
Banta says, "No, look at this."
Santa says, "Shut up, I`m busy."
Banta grabs hold of him and Santa looks up and sees hundreds of terrorists standing at the top of the ravine.
`Wow!!` says Santa `We`re going to be millionaires.”
18.
19. Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What`s yours?"
"I`ll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be Rs 146.50 please,"
Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I`ll have the same."
Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad," says Banta.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be Rs 362.75."
Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says Banta, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always he there."
"That`s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That`s right! Whether it`s a coke or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says Banta.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what`s with the ostrich?"
Banta replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
20. It was a dark, stormy, night. Santa was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A Brigadier stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous Santa snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The Brigadier, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn`t it?"
Well it wasn`t a nice night, but Santa wasn`t going to disagree with the Brigadier, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The Brigadier continued, "You know there`s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it`s really relaxing. Don`t you agree?"
Santa didn`t agree, but then Santa was just a soldier, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
Santa glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier continued "I got this dog for my wife."
Santa simply said "Good trade Sir!"
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