Santa_3

1. Santa gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing737, he started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
He sort of forgets where he is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at Santa and the angry Pilot.
Santa stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE..”




2. Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There`s an old ghost`s face here!"
Santa sped up, but the old man`s face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
Santa said, "I don`t know what happened, but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He`s back!"
Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud.?’

3. Santa and Banta meet in the street. Santa looked dejected and almost on the verge of tears.
Banta said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
Santa said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty lacs."
"That`s not bad."
"Hold on, I`m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew died and left me twenty lacs."
"I`d like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week – nothing.?”

4. Just after Santa got married, he was invited out for a night with the friends.
So Santa told his wife, Jeeto that he would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, so at around 2.30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk, and headed for home.
After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she`d probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Santa was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed.
Next morning his wife, Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o`clock.
She didn`t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When Santa asked her why, Jeeto said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said `oh crap,` cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it`s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.”

5. Santa and his wife, Jeeto had just gone to bed for the night. Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So this time also he went out for a routine check.
When Santa entered the den he was suprised by an intruder. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house. As the theif was about to leave our Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto."
The thief said, " Why on earth would you want me to meet your wife?"
Santa replied, "Well, she`s been expecting you for 20 years.”

6. Santa was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Santa declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don`t charge me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, Santa began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food.
"Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
Santa picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then Santa took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied Santa proudly.
Finally, Santa took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweets of India!" replied Santa.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud `Pooooooooot!` sound (fart) from Santa.
"What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
Santa replied coolly, "That`s Air India."


7.



8. Santa was in Telecom deptt. before joining the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor was very upset with him.
"What`s the matter with you?" asked the Drill Instructor. "Why can`t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the Bantat, "and I don`t know why I can`t hit the target. Let me see..."
Banta checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," Banta said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end.”

9. Santa took a trip to Sydney, Australia. While in a bar, an Autralian on the next stool, spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let`s have a little game. I`ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t then you buy me one. OK?"
"Yeah, that sounds pretty fair and exciting too," said Santa.
The Australian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn`t my brother. It wasn`t my sister. Who was it?"
Santa scratched his head and finally, when he was tired of thinking, said, "I give up. Who was it?"
"It was me," chortled the Australian.
So Santa paid for the drinks.
Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta, "Hey Banta," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Banta.
Ok...my parents had one child. It was not my brother. It was not my sister. Who was it?"
"Search me," said Banta. "I give up, who was it?"
"It was some Autralian, down in Sydney."
10. Santa, Banta, and one of their friend, Sunny, tried out for the same job as road stripers. The employer told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day Sunny head had painted 4 miles, Banta had painted 3.5 miles, and Santa had painted 10 miles. The employer was so exited he told Santa to keep it up and the job was his.
The next day the Sunny painted 6 miles, Banta 7 miles, and Santa 5 miles. The employer told Santa not to worry, you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day Sunny had painted 7 miles, Banta 8 miles, and Santa only two miles.
The employer was so disappointed, he asked Santa, "What went wrong, you were doing so good?"
Santa said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.”

11. Banta comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pyajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food-boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog-food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
Banta headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife, Preeto. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pyajamas on, reading a book.
Preeto looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. Banta looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was Banta`s reply.
Preeto answered, "Well, today I didn`t do it.”

12. One day, Santa, Banta and their friend walked into a bar together. They proceeded to buy a drink.
Just as they where about to enjoy their drink, three flies landed in each of their drinks.
Their friend pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
Banta fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
Santa picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the drink and then started yelling.
"Spit it out, Spit it out, You Bastard, Spit it out.”


13. Banta and his friend are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, Banta`s friend falls right in front of him, throws a quick spasm, then lies perfectly still. He doesn`t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
Quick, as a flash, horrified Banta whips out his mobile and calls for emergency. He gasps breathlessly to the operator... My friend just fell to the ground right here in front of me! He`s not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I think he is dead! What can I do?"
Well accustomed to this sort of situation, the emergency operator responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Sir, you must try to stay calm. If there`s anything that can be done, we`ll do it. But you will have to keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?
"Sure! Sure! Of course, you`re right. I`m fine. Just tell me what must I do?"
"Great! Now first of all, let`s make sure he`s dead." ....The line goes silent, then a shot is heard..... Banta`s voice comes back down the network....
`OK! What next?

14.


15. Santa`s wife, Jeeto, goes into a pet store one day.
She says to the clerk, "I need a pet to keep me company."
"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He`ll talk to you."
"Hey, that`s great."
She likes the idea and buys the parrot and takes him home. Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"You know, that parrot isn`t talking to me yet," she says.
"Hmmm, let`s see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He`ll climb the ladder...and then he`ll talk."
"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.
Next day, Jeeto comes back to the pet store.
"Hey, that parrot still hasn`t said a word," Jeeto says to the pet store clerk.
He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he`ll talk to you."
"OK," Jeeto says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.
But the next day Jeeto is back in the shop.
"Well, I`m getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot isn`t talking to me yet."
The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"
"Well, all right, I`ll give it a try," says Jeeto. And she buys the bell and takes it home.
The next day Jeeto comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed.
"What`s wrong?" asks the clerk.
"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.
"Oh no! I`m so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"
"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," Jeeto replied.
"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.
Jeeto replies: "He said, `DOESN`T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD.”

16. Banta: "I`m going to become a lion tamer."
Santa: "That`s crazy, you don`t know nothing about no lion taming."
Banta: "Yes I do!"
Santa: "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
Banta: "I`ll take that big chair they all carry, and I`ll stick it in his face until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that whip they all carry, and I`ll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
Santa: "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "I`ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
Santa: "Well, what if that gun doesn`t work? What will you do then?"
Banta: "I`ll pick up some of the shit that`s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
Santa: "Well, what if there ain`t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
Banta: "You ain`t thinkin` none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don`t work, there`s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"





17. After days in the wilderness Santa and Banta stumble into a bar in the wild north in J&K and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they`ve got no money and the barman won`t give them credit. Just then a Kashmiri walks in with a terrorist`s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I f**king hate terrorosts. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a terrorist, I will give him Rs 10,000".
Santa and Banta look at each other and then go off to find a terrorist. Later that day, they see one, and Banta throws a stone which hits the terrorist on the head. The terrorist falls off his bike but lands 100ft down a ravine.
Santa and Banta dash down into the ravine, where Santa starts sawing the terrorist`s head off.
Suddenly Banta says, `Santa look at this.`
Santa says, "Not now I`m busy."
Banta says, "No, look at this."
Santa says, "Shut up, I`m busy."
Banta grabs hold of him and Santa looks up and sees hundreds of terrorists standing at the top of the ravine.
`Wow!!` says Santa `We`re going to be millionaires.”

18.




19. Banta walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What`s yours?"
"I`ll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be Rs 146.50 please,"
Banta reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, Banta and his ostrich come again, and Banta says, "I`ll have a burger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I`ll have the same."
Once again Banta reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is sunday night, so I will have a chicken burger, baked potato and salad," says Banta.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be Rs 362.75."
Once again Banta pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can`t hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says Banta, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always he there."
"That`s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you`ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That`s right! Whether it`s a coke or a BMW, the exact money is always there," says Banta.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what`s with the ostrich?"
Banta replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

20. It was a dark, stormy, night. Santa was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A Brigadier stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous Santa snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The Brigadier, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn`t it?"
Well it wasn`t a nice night, but Santa wasn`t going to disagree with the Brigadier, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The Brigadier continued, "You know there`s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it`s really relaxing. Don`t you agree?"
Santa didn`t agree, but then Santa was just a soldier, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
Santa glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The Brigadier continued "I got this dog for my wife."
Santa simply said "Good trade Sir!"