Santa_4

1. Banta and his wife, Preeto were shocked when Preeto`s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.
So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and Banta decides he`d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--Preeto is coming downstairs, and Banta is heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," Preeto says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I`m glad to hear it, sweetie," Banta says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

2.



3. Santa and and his wife, Jeeto, went to a fair. Santa had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much aride would cost.
"Rupees one thousand for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That`s too much" said Santa.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I`ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you`ll have to pay me the whole amount."
Santa and Jeeto agreed and went for a thrilling ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to Santa, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said Santa, "but I gotta tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

4. Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for rupees two thousand.”

5. Santa leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he`s stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver`s side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We`re testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Santa replied, "I`m sorry, I can`t do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"In that case, I`m going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test."
Santa said, "I can`t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
The officer said, `Then you`ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "Can`t do that either," said Santa The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?" "Because I`m dead drunk."


6. Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second person.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him. He then called in the next applicant and asked the same question.
After hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Now it was the turn of our Santa. So he was called in and the President posed the question.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That`s easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.”

7. Santa is going out of town and needs to board his horse for a couple of months.
So he asks a local farmer about it and the farmer says, "Sure, but I charge rupess 500 per week, and I keep the manure."
Santa told him that he can`t afford this much, so the farmer refers him to another farmer, down the road.
When approached with the request, the farmer said said, "Yup, I can do it for rupees 400 a week, and I keep the manure."
This is still too much for our Santa, and the farmer suggests that he try Banta.
. When our desperate Santa asks Banta, he is surprised to hear, "Sure. I`ll be glad to do it for rupees 50 per month."
With delight, Santa exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose for that price you`ll want to keep the manure."
Banta looked at Santa with kind of a squint, and says, "For Rupees 50 a month, there ain`t gonna be none.”

8. A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as Banta in a car slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached Banta.
"Sir, can I please see your license and rgistration."
Banta replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn`t come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said Banta, "all the wine shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I`m going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
Banta counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As Banta reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop.”

9. Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Banta: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one.
Cop: Don`t have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Banta: I can`t do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She`s in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out of his vehicle.
Banta: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Banta: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
Banta opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
Senior Officer: Is this your car sir?
Banta: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
Banta digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn`t have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Banta: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.”

10. Three guys were trying to sneak into the Asian Games Village at Busan, South Korea to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let`s watch the registration table to see if there`s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Fan Zhiyi. China. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Fan Zhiyi. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chang Koehan. North Korea. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Koehan. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Hidetoshi Nakata. Japan. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Nakata. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Banta is missing. They forgot to make sure he doesn`t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then Santa walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Banta. Hoshiarpur, Punjab. FENCING.”

11. Santa went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Santa`s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, Santa went to the Indian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Punjab, India for a proper funeral ceremony.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Santa that the sending of a body back to India for cremation is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as fifty thousand rupees. The Consul then advised Santa that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to cremate the body here. This would cost very less.
Santa thinks for some time and answers, "I don`t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that`s what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it`s not that," says Santa. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can`t take that chance.

12. Santa was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife, Jeeto had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Santa thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son.”

13. Banta is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don`t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred of trees for you in one day."
So, Banta takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two trees, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" Banta asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," Banta tells himself.
So, the next morning Banta gets up at 4:00 in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five trees. Banta is convinced this is a bad saw.
"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,"
The very next day Banta brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Banta`s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which Banta responds, "What`s that noise.?

14. A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.
After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!"
"Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot.?”

15. Santa walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a taxi called for him.
Santa is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Santa stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a taxi for him.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Santa bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a taxi or the police will be called immediately.
Surprised Santa looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

16. Santa`s son was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, Jeeto, "How was I born?"
"Well dear..." said the embarrassed Jeeto, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too," said Jeeto.
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the frustrated Jeeto.
A few days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Stork is a large mostly white bird with very long legs which walks around in water to find its food.
17.









18. A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when Banta, a salesman, runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says Banta. "You can never lose it!"
"What do you mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says Banta. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says Banta. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once.
"Just one question," he says to Banta. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it.”

19. Santa was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Santa decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn`t happen again.
So Santa joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
One day, on the way home from work, Santa confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Santa went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Santa, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Santa replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off.”

20. Banta`s wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician`s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can`t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment.?